More Idiotic Loans Forseen

With all the fear-mongers slinging prevarications about the credit crisis and general economic ruin throughout the entire nation, it’s easy for the bureaucrats to forget about the little man. The financial industry…the auto industry…the mortgage industry…we’re told that these are all “too big to fail”, that surely depression would follow their collapse. While not downplaying the importance of these financial giants, it’s clear that we’re missing one industry that has a greater influence on a man’s life than any other…I speak of course, of the porn industry. After all, since the government is now in the business of handing out taxpayer money to whomever it deems worthy, it only seems natural that the adult entertainment industry is deserved a slice of the pie. Its a well known fact that politicians occasionally enjoy to delve into the realm of erotica (warning: this link will NOT take you to nude pictures of Lindsay Lohan). It makes perfect sense that these all knowing leaders would choose to spend our money on one of their favorite enterprises. Why bring this up now you ask? Simple. Because just recently two noble patriots have taken this battle straight to capitol hill. Hustler’s Larry Flynt and “Girls Gone Wild’s” Joe Francis are petitioning the government for a $5 billion bailout. It’s true, see for yourselves.  Could you imagine a world without those eloquent spam emails promising the best adult entertainment has to offer? I sure can’t.

If this teaches us anything, it should be that government has no business allocating capital. They are incapable of making the right decisions. The porn industry has a right to petition them for money, because they have set the standard. They opened the vault. The financial, mortgage, and auto industries may have been the first in line…but you can be sure they won’t be the last. Now Obama and his team of liberal economists are telling us that we can spend our way out of this deficit. I’m no Harvard graduate, but I know you can’t spend your way out of debt. I hope they give Larry and Joe their $5 billion. We forced this upon ourselves with our laziness and greed. The next few months and years are going to be a challenge for everyone, I only hope we can learn from our mistakes.

I also predict that I will get 5 million hits on this post.

My life as a ROCKSTAR

As many of you know, I’ve been in a band for most of my life. I was practically reading music right out of the womb and have always had a ravenous passion for a well-written song. My style can best be described as eclectic. Or magical. Or just plain bad-ass. To give you an idea of the type of songs I write, the bands on my 120 terabyte ipod right now are Secondhand Serenade, Chiodos, and Panic at the Disco to name a few. But of course the Beatles are my all time favorite band. I feel like my band’s been holding me back. I mean, not to downplay our success. We’re practically the house band at the Exit. Lately though, I’ve been wanting to go a different direction with my music. I’ve been in talks with several different labels and have a few deals lined up. I’m also going on tour this winter. You can find all that information at myspace.com/xxxieatchildrenxxx. Also feel free to give me a call anytime at 255-5032. If a middle-aged woman answers the phone, just ask for Randy and I’ll come up from the basement. I’ll be sure to post some videos soon of my new songs that I know you guys are all just dying to hear.

xxRaNdYxx

PS – vote no on 8. equality for all.

Housewarming Party!!!

Hey everyone! I’d like to use this blog to officially invite all my friends to a housewarming party! Me and my wife just bought a brand new home out in northwest Fresno. We got a great deal, only 750k dollars! Can you believe that? Plus…for the first 3 years our monthly payment is only 800 dollars! I know. We should totally be able to afford that on my 8,000/year salary. That’s right, I don’t even pay any taxes! And ya know what’s awesome? Next year after Barack wins I’m gunna get a tax rebate every month from the government. It’s about time they started spreading the wealth around. I know things might be tight for a little while, but I’ll just have to set aside a little bit of my disability check every month and maybe only take the family to Disneyland twice this year. I know what you’re thinking, “only go to Disneyland twice? that’s crazy!” But i already spoke to my 12 children, and they totally understand the situation. Well, I have a Dr’s appointment today to see if I’m a good candidate for gastric bypass surgery…you’d be amazed at how many fried mayonnaise balls you can get with food stamps! I have to give my social worker a call and make sure medi-cal will cover it. It is a life or death situation after all…RSVP in the comments section so I can know how much alcohol to buy…I just got a new a credit card with a limit of 250,000, that should cover it.